devmorgan.com

What an hour to still be awake. Here comes the stream of consciousness

I kind of have to look at this past week and describe it as one stupid event after another. I put my foot in my mouth several times, I upset my best friend, Had other friends stop talking to me all together, and of course, I got even more behind on all my classwork.

However, I also used this week to try to really continue with my ‘reinvention‘. I was notably more outgoing at no voice zone. I also forced myself to just talk to people. Sure, all of the things I did may have caused some of the undesirable consequences mentioned before, but… it was worth it?

I find I haven’t been able to sleep lately. I need to listen to music to lull me to sleep - and it has never been that way before. Not totally sure if this will get better when break hits at the end of the week.

Speaking of. Is it Friday yet?

I have been programming in JAVA again as of late. My XML class project seems interesting, and in my excitement I have been putting that assignment on the top of my queue…. much to the dismay of my other courses (if they cared?). I wrote a pretty nifty drag tool. Maybe if I get some time when its not so late to post the logic behind it.. I will.

I think I may withdraw from my Beers of the World class right before the last day to withdraw… only so I can spend more time on other homework than it… because seriously, even an hour of working on homework for a class that is of no credit value to me as a grad student is silly when I have hours of other work to do.

I’ve been listening to music I haven’t listened to in a while, including Lucky Boys Confusion, Bon Jovi and Shades Apart.

I think I need to leave Rochester. I already know I am going to Boston over the break to work on TAP, but I really don’t know if that will quench my thirst. It might be time to throw a dart at a map and just do it.

I need to meet someone new that intrigues me.

I also need to sleep. So, here goes attempt 2.

I have decided, it is time to reinvent myself. No, I am not going to be any different then my friends know me. In fact, I will be more like me than ever before. I am just going to make sure I stay that way.

Goals

1. Look my best, smell my best, and be my best. Always.
2. Don’t be intimidated by Women
3. Be myself… around everyone.

It’s been a long time coming, but maybe this will be what I need to do to get me out of my recent funk. I will force myself to work out every day. If I can’t get to the gym (since I usually can’t), I will at very least do push-ups or sit-ups when I wake up. I will start wearing cologne more. I will dress so I look good, every day I can.

I will not be afraid to blow it around a pretty girl, I will act myself, if I crash and burn… so be it. It never bothered me before RIT, why should it bother me now?

Most importantly, I will be myself. I always put up a slightly different facade around different people… it is time to tear that down.

This moment marks the start of my reinvention. My reinvention, to the way I used to be.

A strange thing. I sit here on a Saturday evening getting ready to go out, after accomplishing a lot of work during the day. Of course, the major problem is that the work that I did today, was not what I should have been working on.

Week 1 of the winter quarter at RIT just ended, and I am already behind on my courses. Crazy huh? I have a full course load this quarter, including an independent study. This is putting me in to high gear right from the beginning. So, this weekend, I should be working on all of my course work.

Yeah, Right.

I spent today running errands. For the first time in about a month I actually went grocery shopping. When I got home, I did laundry. While that was happening, I cleaned my room. Yes. I cleaned my room. Wow.

So, now I am planning to head out for a little bit. Even more work not getting done… but I got a lot of other things done! Including putting my resume online, as well as starting work on my projects page. Maybe tomorrow I’ll work on what I should.

Wow.

It’s only been a couple days, but I am already feeling the heat from classes again. Generally speaking, each class isn’t too bad from a coursework perspective (except project management, which is my first, and likely last, online class). However, the problem I have is I have a lot more on my plate then I really should. Working as a Tutor, TA, Lab Instructor is 20 hours of work. Add to this, the ‘16 hours’ I am supposed to dedicate to each graduate course (taken from my project management syllabus), times 3 courses, will give me 48 hours of coursework. Add to this, I need to finish my independent study which will take… many… hours of work, but for the sake of doing fun math, lets assume it will be 8 hours a week. 76 hours a week is what I am ‘expected’ to perform. Lets not even talk about my side projects!

That’s not that bad. Right?

My latest little doodle. Not really funny, but, from the heart.

Was fun drawing, although scaling it down for the site kinda makes it look worse. Yes, my hand writing sucks… real bad.

This is a strange thing, that really only within the last year or so has started to happen. Whenever I get down, I always want to leave this city. Maybe this is normal for some people, but to me, it hadn’t been. Rochester is where I grew up. When I reflect on why I am still here… I can think of a few reasons. I only applied to RIT, I didn’t really care for any other college. At the time I was dating Megan, and I didn’t want to go far away from her (for several reasons, not all of them for the right reasons). So, I stuck around.

Years after, I never had to really pursue a co-op, so I never had to leave town. After I graduated, I got a job at StormFrog, so I stuck around some more. Now I am back for grad school, at RIT. So, here I am, down, and wanting to escape. To leave this town, if only for a little while. I’ve tried it before though, and it really doesn’t help. I get back and I want to leave again, and again.

But I can never bring myself to leave.

Today I was extremely close to packing up some clothes, and just hitting the road. Heading a direction and not caring where I ended up. I didn’t do it. I rarely seem to do it when I would have to go alone. I would have done it this time if I could have found someone to go with me… but nobody had enough free time to do it. So I am here, thinking about what if I did leave, and still wishing I did.